summaries....

i am so tension right now...

if i were the big head of the dept which i am rotating right now...
the first thing i'll do is to get rid of this stupid 'must-write-summaries-for-everything' system...

imagine that you have to write summaries for medical charts...
and then separate summaries for case briefing...

what such a waste of time!

and whenever i complain to my colleagues about this...

all they say that it is practical and very useful for future reference...
yeah right!

weekly summaries, admission summaries, discharge summaries...
i think it's the last one that matters most!
making the first one is just a waste of paper! why can't they think more ecologically?!
after all, you don't present the whole thing during case briefing right?
just a few minutes of last week's event so what's the point of writing long weekly summaries?!

and the middle one...
isn't writing the ones to be kept for medical charts is enough?
again, why must there be such waste?!

i don't understand this department!
it's very interesting coz i get to learn so many things and the same time discovering how stupid and hopeless i am...
but i just don't agree with the system!!!

oh how i hate summaries!

仲間はずれ

aku ni sememangnye tak baper sociable...
masa aku kecik2 pun...

kalo ada nak pi rumah org ke...
kena attend wedding ke...

i would be the last person to prepare...

so imagine la...
bapak aku yg garang tahap gaban tu...

camne dia selalu mengamuk...

sometimes i would tell my dad...
that i didn't want to go to such events...

not that i hate attending such events...
i just don't like being in the crowd...
mungkin ada masalah phobia kot...

my mom understood me quite well...
that i am not sociable...
and that i am not good at making friends...

walaupun aku ni nampak je cam friendly psl cakap banyak...

tp aku actually penat tul...
bile bercakap ngan org...
dah la tak ingat aper yg aku cakap...
psl cakap byk betul...

n since i am very outspoken...
i know i am very good at hurting other people's feelings...

sebab tu kot...
aku tak baper suka pi majlis2...

dok kat rumah atau spend time on my own lg elok...
takde la aku cakap banyak...
takde la aku mengumpat...
takde la aku bercakap kosong...
takde la aku sakitkan ati org...

if i know how to control myself...
then that is a different question la kot...
but once the switch is on...
those who know me very well... tau je la kan...
how insensitive i can be...
dah aku ni jenis kalo org ejek aku...
aku akan ejek balik tahap gaban...
probably that's the good side of me being an outspoken person...

psl aku ingat dulu...
ramai suruh aku tolong sound org yg ejek diaorg...
aku bleh sound atau ejek n kalo kena ejek balik pun...
aku jarang rasa tersinggung...

仲間はずれ

nak kata aku suka dipisahkan dr org lain takde la gak...
sometimes i feel lonely...
sometimes i have that feeling of in need of someone...
tp that feeling usually doesn't last more than a minute..。

entahlah...
bile aku tgk gambar2 budak chiba...
yg pi berjln sakan sana sini...

kdg2 tak diajak...
rasa tersinggung tu ada la gak tp aku rasa diaorg buat dek tak ajak psl tau aku sibuk keje...
tp that feeling last for awhile je...
pastu aku akan rasa nasib baik tak diajak...
God knows what nonsenses would come out from my mouth if i were to join them...

仲間はずれ

mungkin aku nak cuba sedapkan ati...
tp sememangnye aku ni lain from org lain...
i am not feminine...
tak minat soap operas cam korean dramas ke love stories ke...
aku tak minat fashion...
aku tak minat shopping walaupun aku suka bags (cuma aku tak beli sgt psl i can live with the same bag for years)...
aku tak minat masak2 cam ibu2 lain kat chiba ni...

being different ni probably the reason why i don't feel comfortable mixing with people...

tp aku suka actually...
berkawan ngan sume org...
enjoy talking with people...
tp tu la...dah selalu ckp nonsense...
pastu menyesal tak sudah2....

aduih....

entahlah...
aku ni mmg 仲間はずれ...

enjoying the scene

something that you don't get to see in mesia...

old married couples holding hands in public...

the above scene is quite common in countries such as america (yeap, countries whose people are considered to be open-minded that you get to see more than you can demand...hahahaha)...
but definitely not common in asian countries such as mesia or japan...

tp entah la...
probably recently kot...

while walking in the streets...
on my home from work...
i sometimes get the chance to see...

very old man and woman...
holding hands together...
with so ever sweet smiles shaped on their lips...
walking in the streets proudly with their heads up...

as if they were trying to tell everyone that 'we are proud to say that even at this age, we are still madly in love'...

how i adore...
being able to still hold hands with my husband even at such an old age in public...

insomnia

i wonder...
when was the last time i actually had a good night sleep?...

every night i go to sleep with so many things hanging over my head...

these things...
they are immobile...
they don't go around my head...
they are just there, hanging and dangling over my head...

then there's danial...
who enjoys waking in the middle of night...
asking for attention in so many various ways...

sometimes he gets some spanks...
sometimes he gets his ears pulled or boxed...
but danial continues to provoke his caregiver until he gets what he wants...

then there's waking up every hour...
i don't really understand...
even on those days when danial gets heavy sleeping spell out from nowhere...
i tend to wake up almost every hour...
i say some prayers...
some praises to ALLAH...
then i will fall asleep again...
but not too long, for the very next hour...
i will wake up again...

probably i am having depression...

i consider morning as my enemy...
i don't walk but drag my legs along the corridors in the hospital...
i keep sighing whenever i realize that all that reading and studying i did the night before was worthless when i couldn't answer my superior's questions...
i feel like kicking the wall or even dip my head into the toilet bowl when a patient gets on my nerves...
and sometimes, i even think of jumping down from the rooftop of the hospital...
not that i have suicidal thoughts...
i just want to know...
am i actually alive?...
are these all real?...
or am i just imagining?...

and the heaviness that drap around my shoulders 24hours a day...
and how always heavy my eyelids are that i can collapse anytime anywhere if i fail to concentrate thoroughly...

yeah...i should stop whining...
and keep on going...
be grateful for the things that ALLAH has granted me...

but there are things...
that only i know...
that if only i could share them with everyone...
but yet i can't...
for the fear of the influences that might befall against my family...

maybe if i let everyone know...
somebody might give some encouragement...
or some ideas...
or probably help me in some way...
but yet...
that is impossible...
and maybe...
the things i mentioned before...
are these things...
that i would like so much to erase them for good...
but yet can't...
for they are still unsolved...

insomnia...

ya ALLAH...

give me a good night sleep today...
and please make me wake up feeling refreshed tomorrow morning...

i am not a good muslim...
but i have been trying my best to fulfill my role...
trying to bear the responsibilities that You have stuck on to my shoulders...
i don't think them as a burden...
but a big task from You, ya ALLAH...

i could have chosen a better way...
but in the end...
i would end up choosing not to follow my own desires...

this task You have given me ya ALLAH...
it's nothing if to compared to those who are more less fortunate than i am...

but ya ALLAH...
how a good night sleep could change everything...

oh ya ALLAH...
give me a good night sleep...

i know i shouldn't

ohmigosh...
it's already my 2nd week at allergy&rheumatology dept...

how time really flies...
and tomorrow will be the day where the weekly case conference is gonna be held...
arrghhh...

malas nye...

yeah,
i know i shouldn't be spending time doing some rubbish blogging...
but i am just so damn tired...

i didn't do much today...
i even had time for an afternoon nap...

but what am i fussing about so much?
entahlah...

i don't know what i am not satisfied with this dept...
maybe the summaries are killing me in some way but i have somehow managed to cope bit by bit surprisingly...

maybe it's the human relationship that is bothering me...
the MOs are nice people even though one of them really say things that make you feel that you are no use at all...which is sad but true...

maybe not being able to communicate well with the other HOs that is making me feel uneasy and uncomfortable...

yep...may it's that...
the HOs that i rotated with at hematology dept were people who of nearly my kind and i really had fun...
but the ones rotating with me right now are those who are...let me see...serious people...
who don't take in jokes...

i don't want to consider them as boring people since they are just trying to be serious with their work...

but i would prefer to have more laughter and joy while working...

well, different people have different ways...

so guess i'll have to follow the flow...

can't wait for this rotation to end!

i am not strong

in two months times, i will be celebrating my first year as a doctor...

what has life had been for me for the past few months?...

looking back to the first few months...

when the end of the road was so clear...

anesthetic rotation...

even though, three months of rotation had earned some worthwhile friendships withsome senseis from other departments...
i have regretted...
for i learned nothing...
and since the anes senseis...
didn't bother to let me experience what they should have had let me experience...
i can't blame though...
they were too busy entertaining six year medical students...
trying to catch their interest...

i mentioned that the end of the road was clear...
yep, it was clear...
but it was painful...
i cried like mad everyday...
i even lost a lot of weight...
i fought with my husband almost everyday...
of course, only one or two people would understand what i am talking about...
and one of them...
i would like give my gratitudes to you...
for lending me a shoulder to cry on...
even though it was virtually...
but your 'pat' on my shoulder gave me quite enough strength for me go on...
and your doas...
even though they were virtual...
i could feel them as if they were real...
i don't think i can ever repay you...

the end of the road was cleared away...
leaving a very blurred image...
i can't see where the road is leading me...
as i walk on...
i don't know whether it will take me straight or give me a turn...
or probably a slope might appear...
a slope...
scary...
if i were to fell down...
would i be able to stand on my two feet again?...
as i have had tried many times...

many people say that i am strong...
but i am not...
i am weak...
in many ways...

stupid as ever...
and yet, i am doing the job that requires one to be not just intelligent but wise and always vigilance...
a few hours of no sleep...
is enough to make me kill a patient...

oh my...
yeah, i am tired...
and i need some rest...
but there is no rest...
for a wife, a mother and a doctor...

ALLAH knows best...

hello!!!! i am blogging!

i had been thinking quite a number of times...
whether i should start writing my own blog again or not...
tp thinking back of those old times...
during my med student years...
when blogging was one of my ways of handling stress...
it was very effective...
i got alot of comments which were mostly motivating...
even though they were few who got on my nerves...
but what the heck...
my readers were only voicing their own opinions...

well, i thought...just a few minutes ago...while trying to put danial to sleep (well, it's already past his bedtime hours but he just wouldn't go to sleep!)
maybe i should start blogging again...

tp nak tulis in what language?
my english isn't that good...
my malay is hampeh...
my japanese is even more hampeh than both my malay and english added together...
hahahaha...
tulis lam my own invented language?

at least kalo mengumpat pun...saper paham...keskeskes...

well, how about bahasa rojak?

quite a good idea eh?

except only those who can speak the three languages mentioned above can understand my blog thoroughly...
but well, i am not planning to write so that others who read my blog will understand...
yg penting, release stress...

hahahahahha...