2010年3月22日月曜日

aku yg bengap

aku so far zenkatouchoku (on-call that covers all dept) baru 5 kali je kot...
x termasuk la on-calls tuk dept yg rotate masa tu...yg tu mmg tak terkire...

entah la apsal...

tiap kalo aku zentatouchoku mesti dtg AMI or AP...

aku actually excited gak bile dtg cardiovascular patients...
psl bleh belajar byk...

my first AMI patient during zenkatouchoku...

was handled by cardiac surgery dept...

selalunye cardiovascular dept...entah la apsal ari tu lain sikit...

i was supposed to do posting at cardiovascular in feb and march...

tp psl dept ni bz tahap gaban n plg awal bleh balik pun around 11pm...

aku terpaksa kansel posting mintak tukar ke allergy n rheumatology dept...

n kebetulan lak...

cardiovascular dept yg selama ni tak pernah putus2 dpt HO...

xde HO tuk bulan feb n march...

so everyone at the dept knew that that foreign doctor named sufi decided to cancel her posting to a less stressing dept...

dah la foreign doctor yg bernama sufi ni aku sorang je...

so bile cardiovascular sensei nampak aku kat kyuugai (emergency outpatient clinic)...

abih diaorg tanya aku soalan mcm2...

so ari ni ada AMI dtg...

a taxi driver who was referred by a small hospital...

sampai2 terus amik ECG n mmg ada ST elevation in leads II, III n AVF...
n ada reciprocal changes in other leads...
tu mmg aku tau...

sensei yg dtg sensei perempuan...punya la cun...
elegant lak tu (except that she's got bad toenails...hekhekhek)...

asked me...
what kind of disease that you have to exclude when you see ST-elevation?...

aku pun jawab la endocarditis...

n then she asked me how do you differentiate endocarditis from ischemic heart disease by ECG?...

aku paham soalan dia n tau jawapan somehow...tp aku tak tau camne nak jawab...

aper gi...geleng kepala la dia...
tp she was kind enough to explain...

then, she asked me another question...

what kind of complications are expected from AMI?...

tu pun aku tau gak jawapan dia...

tp aku diam je...blur tahap gaban....

lg la dia geleng kepala....

n she said...

kalo ACLS ni ko dah kena dah marah ni...
neway, what is the first thing you must do when you see an AMI patient?...

aku tergamam lak...
xpaham soalan dia...
maksud dia dr mana aku patut pikir tu...

aku pun jawab al 'check his vital signs first'...

lg la sensei tu geleng kepala dia...

morphine, aspirin, nitroglycerin etc...

bg ubat kat dia dulu to decrease the patient's blood pressure if he's hypertensive...
n ubat ni kan also help dilate the coronary arteries to improve blood flow and reduce symptoms...

la...she meant by that ke....



aduihhhhh.....

sememangnye aku bengap...
and aku yg bengap will be turning 2nd year HO soon in a week time...
and aku plak kena ajar 1st year HO nanti...
aiseh...

ganbare sufi...
ganbare sufi...

2010年3月20日土曜日

counting the days

i can't believe it...
that in another few more days...
i would be saying sayonara...probably for good...
to chiba-dai...

what grudges do i have against this university that i just can't help to show everyone how happy i am to leave it at last?...

nothing to be honest...

yeah...

counting the days...

for that day...

when i would say goodbye to chiba-dai to come.........

2010年3月17日水曜日

at last, i finally understood

when i was young,
my father was hardly at home...
to be honest, i can't even recall how he looked like during his youthful years...
all i can recall are the moments spent with my mom...

my mom was beautiful...even though she is still now...
and she was always there whenever we needed her...even though she is still now...

but how about my father?
he always came home with a red face, always flushed with anger...
he was always impatience...
he couldn't tolerate his children well...
he didn't bother to spend time with his children...

i almost thought that i hated my father...
for bullying my mother and treating her more like a maid than a woman...
for not even trying to play his part as a father...

he was always busy with his work...
work and work and work...
was the only thing my father was obsessed with...

but that was how i thought of my father at that time...

but was my father actually being negligence of his children?
did he think that work was more important than his family?

i was young...
i did not understand...
i was naive...
i did not even try to understand...

what my father was trying to do...

now that i am a mother,
not just a mother...
but a working mother and a wife...
who has put aside all her interests and is trying her best to protect her family...

it has taken me almost 27 years to understand...
and i can't help myself but to cry...
everytime i think of how cruel i was...
for having such thoughts against my father...

yes,
my father has always love each of us dearly...
but he has never been good at showing off his affections...
working himself hard...
was and is still the only protection and love he could provide us...

it takes awhile...
quite awhile...
for one to understand one's parents...
the reasons behind their actions and behaviours...

only when you are in their position...
that you get to understand them thoroughly...

i guess...
will danial have to go through the same thing i had gone through?
and if danial ends up going through what i had gone through...
i pray to ALLAH,
that he will understand one day...
even if it will take years...
as it did with me...
that his mom was like that...
because she loves him so much...

ya ALLAH, bless my parents and let them belong among the people You love most...amin....

2010年2月17日水曜日

summaries....

i am so tension right now...

if i were the big head of the dept which i am rotating right now...
the first thing i'll do is to get rid of this stupid 'must-write-summaries-for-everything' system...

imagine that you have to write summaries for medical charts...
and then separate summaries for case briefing...

what such a waste of time!

and whenever i complain to my colleagues about this...

all they say that it is practical and very useful for future reference...
yeah right!

weekly summaries, admission summaries, discharge summaries...
i think it's the last one that matters most!
making the first one is just a waste of paper! why can't they think more ecologically?!
after all, you don't present the whole thing during case briefing right?
just a few minutes of last week's event so what's the point of writing long weekly summaries?!

and the middle one...
isn't writing the ones to be kept for medical charts is enough?
again, why must there be such waste?!

i don't understand this department!
it's very interesting coz i get to learn so many things and the same time discovering how stupid and hopeless i am...
but i just don't agree with the system!!!

oh how i hate summaries!

2010年2月15日月曜日

仲間はずれ

aku ni sememangnye tak baper sociable...
masa aku kecik2 pun...

kalo ada nak pi rumah org ke...
kena attend wedding ke...

i would be the last person to prepare...

so imagine la...
bapak aku yg garang tahap gaban tu...

camne dia selalu mengamuk...

sometimes i would tell my dad...
that i didn't want to go to such events...

not that i hate attending such events...
i just don't like being in the crowd...
mungkin ada masalah phobia kot...

my mom understood me quite well...
that i am not sociable...
and that i am not good at making friends...

walaupun aku ni nampak je cam friendly psl cakap banyak...

tp aku actually penat tul...
bile bercakap ngan org...
dah la tak ingat aper yg aku cakap...
psl cakap byk betul...

n since i am very outspoken...
i know i am very good at hurting other people's feelings...

sebab tu kot...
aku tak baper suka pi majlis2...

dok kat rumah atau spend time on my own lg elok...
takde la aku cakap banyak...
takde la aku mengumpat...
takde la aku bercakap kosong...
takde la aku sakitkan ati org...

if i know how to control myself...
then that is a different question la kot...
but once the switch is on...
those who know me very well... tau je la kan...
how insensitive i can be...
dah aku ni jenis kalo org ejek aku...
aku akan ejek balik tahap gaban...
probably that's the good side of me being an outspoken person...

psl aku ingat dulu...
ramai suruh aku tolong sound org yg ejek diaorg...
aku bleh sound atau ejek n kalo kena ejek balik pun...
aku jarang rasa tersinggung...

仲間はずれ

nak kata aku suka dipisahkan dr org lain takde la gak...
sometimes i feel lonely...
sometimes i have that feeling of in need of someone...
tp that feeling usually doesn't last more than a minute..。

entahlah...
bile aku tgk gambar2 budak chiba...
yg pi berjln sakan sana sini...

kdg2 tak diajak...
rasa tersinggung tu ada la gak tp aku rasa diaorg buat dek tak ajak psl tau aku sibuk keje...
tp that feeling last for awhile je...
pastu aku akan rasa nasib baik tak diajak...
God knows what nonsenses would come out from my mouth if i were to join them...

仲間はずれ

mungkin aku nak cuba sedapkan ati...
tp sememangnye aku ni lain from org lain...
i am not feminine...
tak minat soap operas cam korean dramas ke love stories ke...
aku tak minat fashion...
aku tak minat shopping walaupun aku suka bags (cuma aku tak beli sgt psl i can live with the same bag for years)...
aku tak minat masak2 cam ibu2 lain kat chiba ni...

being different ni probably the reason why i don't feel comfortable mixing with people...

tp aku suka actually...
berkawan ngan sume org...
enjoy talking with people...
tp tu la...dah selalu ckp nonsense...
pastu menyesal tak sudah2....

aduih....

entahlah...
aku ni mmg 仲間はずれ...

2010年2月14日日曜日

enjoying the scene

something that you don't get to see in mesia...

old married couples holding hands in public...

the above scene is quite common in countries such as america (yeap, countries whose people are considered to be open-minded that you get to see more than you can demand...hahahaha)...
but definitely not common in asian countries such as mesia or japan...

tp entah la...
probably recently kot...

while walking in the streets...
on my home from work...
i sometimes get the chance to see...

very old man and woman...
holding hands together...
with so ever sweet smiles shaped on their lips...
walking in the streets proudly with their heads up...

as if they were trying to tell everyone that 'we are proud to say that even at this age, we are still madly in love'...

how i adore...
being able to still hold hands with my husband even at such an old age in public...

2010年2月10日水曜日

insomnia

i wonder...
when was the last time i actually had a good night sleep?...

every night i go to sleep with so many things hanging over my head...

these things...
they are immobile...
they don't go around my head...
they are just there, hanging and dangling over my head...

then there's danial...
who enjoys waking in the middle of night...
asking for attention in so many various ways...

sometimes he gets some spanks...
sometimes he gets his ears pulled or boxed...
but danial continues to provoke his caregiver until he gets what he wants...

then there's waking up every hour...
i don't really understand...
even on those days when danial gets heavy sleeping spell out from nowhere...
i tend to wake up almost every hour...
i say some prayers...
some praises to ALLAH...
then i will fall asleep again...
but not too long, for the very next hour...
i will wake up again...

probably i am having depression...

i consider morning as my enemy...
i don't walk but drag my legs along the corridors in the hospital...
i keep sighing whenever i realize that all that reading and studying i did the night before was worthless when i couldn't answer my superior's questions...
i feel like kicking the wall or even dip my head into the toilet bowl when a patient gets on my nerves...
and sometimes, i even think of jumping down from the rooftop of the hospital...
not that i have suicidal thoughts...
i just want to know...
am i actually alive?...
are these all real?...
or am i just imagining?...

and the heaviness that drap around my shoulders 24hours a day...
and how always heavy my eyelids are that i can collapse anytime anywhere if i fail to concentrate thoroughly...

yeah...i should stop whining...
and keep on going...
be grateful for the things that ALLAH has granted me...

but there are things...
that only i know...
that if only i could share them with everyone...
but yet i can't...
for the fear of the influences that might befall against my family...

maybe if i let everyone know...
somebody might give some encouragement...
or some ideas...
or probably help me in some way...
but yet...
that is impossible...
and maybe...
the things i mentioned before...
are these things...
that i would like so much to erase them for good...
but yet can't...
for they are still unsolved...

insomnia...

ya ALLAH...

give me a good night sleep today...
and please make me wake up feeling refreshed tomorrow morning...

i am not a good muslim...
but i have been trying my best to fulfill my role...
trying to bear the responsibilities that You have stuck on to my shoulders...
i don't think them as a burden...
but a big task from You, ya ALLAH...

i could have chosen a better way...
but in the end...
i would end up choosing not to follow my own desires...

this task You have given me ya ALLAH...
it's nothing if to compared to those who are more less fortunate than i am...

but ya ALLAH...
how a good night sleep could change everything...

oh ya ALLAH...
give me a good night sleep...