insomnia

i wonder...
when was the last time i actually had a good night sleep?...

every night i go to sleep with so many things hanging over my head...

these things...
they are immobile...
they don't go around my head...
they are just there, hanging and dangling over my head...

then there's danial...
who enjoys waking in the middle of night...
asking for attention in so many various ways...

sometimes he gets some spanks...
sometimes he gets his ears pulled or boxed...
but danial continues to provoke his caregiver until he gets what he wants...

then there's waking up every hour...
i don't really understand...
even on those days when danial gets heavy sleeping spell out from nowhere...
i tend to wake up almost every hour...
i say some prayers...
some praises to ALLAH...
then i will fall asleep again...
but not too long, for the very next hour...
i will wake up again...

probably i am having depression...

i consider morning as my enemy...
i don't walk but drag my legs along the corridors in the hospital...
i keep sighing whenever i realize that all that reading and studying i did the night before was worthless when i couldn't answer my superior's questions...
i feel like kicking the wall or even dip my head into the toilet bowl when a patient gets on my nerves...
and sometimes, i even think of jumping down from the rooftop of the hospital...
not that i have suicidal thoughts...
i just want to know...
am i actually alive?...
are these all real?...
or am i just imagining?...

and the heaviness that drap around my shoulders 24hours a day...
and how always heavy my eyelids are that i can collapse anytime anywhere if i fail to concentrate thoroughly...

yeah...i should stop whining...
and keep on going...
be grateful for the things that ALLAH has granted me...

but there are things...
that only i know...
that if only i could share them with everyone...
but yet i can't...
for the fear of the influences that might befall against my family...

maybe if i let everyone know...
somebody might give some encouragement...
or some ideas...
or probably help me in some way...
but yet...
that is impossible...
and maybe...
the things i mentioned before...
are these things...
that i would like so much to erase them for good...
but yet can't...
for they are still unsolved...

insomnia...

ya ALLAH...

give me a good night sleep today...
and please make me wake up feeling refreshed tomorrow morning...

i am not a good muslim...
but i have been trying my best to fulfill my role...
trying to bear the responsibilities that You have stuck on to my shoulders...
i don't think them as a burden...
but a big task from You, ya ALLAH...

i could have chosen a better way...
but in the end...
i would end up choosing not to follow my own desires...

this task You have given me ya ALLAH...
it's nothing if to compared to those who are more less fortunate than i am...

but ya ALLAH...
how a good night sleep could change everything...

oh ya ALLAH...
give me a good night sleep...