i am not strong

in two months times, i will be celebrating my first year as a doctor...

what has life had been for me for the past few months?...

looking back to the first few months...

when the end of the road was so clear...

anesthetic rotation...

even though, three months of rotation had earned some worthwhile friendships withsome senseis from other departments...
i have regretted...
for i learned nothing...
and since the anes senseis...
didn't bother to let me experience what they should have had let me experience...
i can't blame though...
they were too busy entertaining six year medical students...
trying to catch their interest...

i mentioned that the end of the road was clear...
yep, it was clear...
but it was painful...
i cried like mad everyday...
i even lost a lot of weight...
i fought with my husband almost everyday...
of course, only one or two people would understand what i am talking about...
and one of them...
i would like give my gratitudes to you...
for lending me a shoulder to cry on...
even though it was virtually...
but your 'pat' on my shoulder gave me quite enough strength for me go on...
and your doas...
even though they were virtual...
i could feel them as if they were real...
i don't think i can ever repay you...

the end of the road was cleared away...
leaving a very blurred image...
i can't see where the road is leading me...
as i walk on...
i don't know whether it will take me straight or give me a turn...
or probably a slope might appear...
a slope...
scary...
if i were to fell down...
would i be able to stand on my two feet again?...
as i have had tried many times...

many people say that i am strong...
but i am not...
i am weak...
in many ways...

stupid as ever...
and yet, i am doing the job that requires one to be not just intelligent but wise and always vigilance...
a few hours of no sleep...
is enough to make me kill a patient...

oh my...
yeah, i am tired...
and i need some rest...
but there is no rest...
for a wife, a mother and a doctor...

ALLAH knows best...